Nudity and Nerdery

Q:I have a question. How does one go about becoming a Dom? If this is not something you can answer publicly, I will come off anon and ask again. I am curious because, as of late, there has been some bad press about D/S due to a certain work of fiction and thus it has become difficult to sort good advice from poor, especially if you are curious.

Anonymous

Some people believe that you should learn from a more experienced Dom. I understand the logic behind that. But I’m a terrible introvert who did his first delving into BDSM while living in a small town in Utah, so I didn’t really feel like that was much of an option for me. If this sort of apprenticeship normally ends with some sort of investment ceremony where you get a swords or something, I missed out on it.

So, personally, the first step I would send someone on would be research. Sexy, sexy research. There’s a number of good books out there that can give you a intro to the scene and the role- The Loving Dominant was the one I read first, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is another popular one. Here’s a list of other book recommendations, though I haven’t read most of them personally, so I can’t speak for them.

Next? Talk to people. There’s plenty of BDSM blogs on Tumblr to browse and talk to, there’s other sites like Fetlife, too. If you’re in a reasonable sized area, Fetlife can probably also put you into contact with the local scene, so you can go meet people in real life. Make friends. Get to know people, get a sense of them, treat them like people, find out who you can get along with.

Sidenote: At every point in this journey, you need to make sure you’ve got your bullshit meter set to full sensitivity. You’re trying to learn about a new scene, and there’s plenty of people out there who are full of crap, which can be dangerous in this situation. So listen to your instincts, be careful, find people who you feel you can trust to be honest with you.

And once you’ve gotten to know some people in the scene? They’re usually really friendly and willing to hand out advice. If you’re trying to learn, a lot of people are glad to teach. Be polite, be attentive, and you’ll likely find someone willing to answer your questions

Good luck. If there’s anything else I can help with, let me know.